The Two Left Wellies

(A)

Albert was bored.  It wasn’t that the computer game had been beaten; it wasn’t that the last Harry Potter book was finished; it wasn’t even that the Soduku puzzle wasn’t hard enough; something just wasn’t quite enough.

“I need to design something” he decided.  “Something that no-one has thought of before”.  With that, he took his pencil, sharpened it – and started to think, tapping the pencil against his forehead.  At first he tapped it sharp end to his head, but quickly realised that he wouldn’t think of anything whilst suffering stabbing pains.  However with the rubber end tapping his temple – well, then he could really think.

Frustratingly all that he could think of was the railway timetable book, mainly because it was sitting in the middle of the room (which was an unusual place for it to b), but also because it seemed to have a tail and was very slowly moving across the floor…..

and he looked at the book. how was it moving? was it a supernatural book? or was it magical? thoughts raced through his head. he had to answer these quesitons. he braced himself and picked the book up. it was revealed. the hideous being. its green eyes, and the reddish gooey substance dripping from its mouth. he got his baseball bat and took a huge swing. there was a loud yelp and in no time it vanished. he felt dizzy so he lay down to try and take in what had happened.

Albert was amazed, how could this be real? Slowly Albert walked across the room and inspected it.The tail was about 5cm long,pink and had black markings across it.

The markings were circular and seemed to be glowing suddenly another tail appeared.This one was about 6cm long,red and had square markings on it.Then it too started to glow then before he knew it three or four tails appeared.Two were red one was blue and the other was purple.There were lots of different markings spherical ones,triangular ones and lots of other wiggy waggy ones.Albert was confused what was going on?.Now the tails were growing longer and more tails started coming out of the book.Luckily Albert knew what to do,he charged upstairs and into his dad’s room quickly he rammed open the cupboard and fetched his dad’s rifle.Then he charged downstairs and into his room.

The tails were about 50m long now and were still growing!.Albert shot at the tails aimlessly he hit two of them hard in the neck and one bullet hit the book.All of the tails flinched when this happened.Thats their weakness Albert thought, he quickly shot half a dozen times at the book and all the tails sank to the floor.I’ve done it Albert thought and he was right.All the tails were going back into the book.

(B)
But before he could relax and take in the vision of the living book – it’s green eyes just staring wide with menace and wonder and that gooey stuff that was now very sticky on his shoe – he heard a ring at the door. It was a faint sound, and to hear a small piece of metal land on the mat just showed how good his hearing was.

So he got up (feeling a little woozy) and walked over to the door and opened it. There was a tall woman in front of him. He could tell it was a tall woman, as all he could see was ankles and knees in the doorway. Polite as ever, Albert said “hello, come in”. The woman replied “Oh do be serious Albert, I’ll never get into your Doll’s house – but I need to see you”.

At that point, the roof of the house was lifted off. And then Albert could see the woman. It really wasn’t a surprise to either of them – Albert had lived in the Doll’s House ever since Bernice had rescued him from the Elf wars of 1987 (and no one could forget the devastating effect that the Fairies had on the grotto villages with their acorn firing tanks)

“Albert – I need your help” said Bernice. “Somethings not right with my aunt – she seems a little peculiar”

“She’s always been a little peculiar” mused Albert, remembering when she saw Bernice’s aunt dipping what really looked like a goldfish into a soup bowl. “How so this time?”

But before Bernice could reply there was a heavy thud from outside the room. “Good grief!” cried Bernice… and ran out of the room…

Before he could run back inside his aunt fired a ray. in no time at all bernice was as small as albert himself. bernice’s aunt picked him up and had a huge grin on her shrivelled face. “now thatll show you to make a plan against your aunt” whispered his aunt. bernice covered his ears as his aunt was literally banging the life out of his eardrums. she approached the dolls house with bernice in her fingernails. seeing her albert was frozen still trying not to let her find out he was real. she dropped bernice into the house.
“welcome to my world” said albert as bernice dropped into the house.
his aunt then convered the lid of the house

But before he had time to think he ran after Bernice. When he got outside the room Bernice was standing with about ten small elfs. Each of them was about 10 or 20 centimetres tall and each one of them was holding a sword and a shield. Albert was absoultly stunned when he saw the scene he was trying to figure out what was happening when one of the elfs spoke ” we have come to get revenge!” “what?” Albert replied “i said we have come to get revenge!” the elf roared! “i really don’t know what your talking about?” Albert said.

The elf was getting verry angry now, “we have come to get revenge on you for destroying our homeland!” “oh” Albert replied “oh i know what your talking about” “your talking about your talking about the elf wars arn’t you”
“yes” the elf said “now you better be redy for this!” there was an evil grin on the elfs face.Suddenly! about 250 elfs came storming out of nowhere!
all of them were equipted with a sword and a shield and worst of all they
were all charging at him!. Albert did not have time to think he quickly ran back inside the dolls house and bolted the door shut.He barricaded the door with tables and chairs as fast as he could but he new that tables and chairs wouldn’t be enough to hold against 250 elfs.

So quickly ran upstairs and got the book that the tail had come out of and jumped inside it.His head started to spin round and before he new it he was back in the room with the book but there were no elfs outside and all the tables and chairs wern’t against the door but in there usual places Albert had no idea what had happened but everything was ok now or was it?.

(C)
Considering the many things that had just happened to Albert in the last few minutes, he was still remarkably calm.  Bernice however was not calm

“What’s happened?  Who was that? How did my aunt get a ray gun – and use it?  She’s hopeless with the remote control normally?  Where are we?”  She exclaimed.  Then she realised that she was looking straight at Albert, rather than down, and she fainted.

Albert was quick to catch her – which was quite fortunate as a Tailsnake slithered past. “Back in!” he cried – and if snakes could crumble as they slithered, this one did a very good impression as it went back into the book.

Sitting Alice down, he took stock of the situation. “Book… swirling… aunt… elves… revenge… ray guns…. Oh no!”
“What” said Alice, a little confused, but realising that there was something that Albert needed to say, “tell me”

“Well” said Albert, “I need to tell you some history…”

The Elf wars were a very violent and dangerous time for Elves and fairies.  They had initially fell out when some human – a JT Browling or something – had started to recruit for a documentary she was compiling – about the school of Wizards that was nearby.  She had wanted a principle character to show people round.  One of the Elves had volunteered – but the fairies were still smarting from the film that they’d been in recently by Disney, which seemed to imply that they were, well, a little soft – and they had desperately wanted to put that right.  Well, over the years what started as simple banter and taunting had become much, much worse – especially when the fairies started to recruit Trolls and the Elves had recruited Goblins (both very stupid and violent creatures indeed).

 Albert had realised at that point that he had needed to stop this escalation, before things become really bad.  He tried speaking with the Fairy Queen, reasoning with the Troll Chief and the Goblin Master, even arguing with the Elf Lord.  However, they were not to be swayed – so Albert decided for more direct action…

Story Note: Writing this in a hurry as I do, I’ve just noticed that I introduced Bernice as Alice.  There isn’t an Alice, but Bernice did once have a small pet seahorse that she called Andrea….

confronting these people was a direct action in itself. but he need more help, he need back up, he needed his FAMILY. no these were not the elves but they were indeed the finest archers and charioteers known to the land of ‘bob’. these were none other than the……..ompalumpas with there trusted heffalumps by there side they were unbeatable. albert grew up with these people and knew every nick and cranny there was to them. he decided he would set off the next day itself. they were his last chance, his only chance. overnight he packed the necessities and went to sleep. he needed a good nights sleep because the next day was SPECIAL.
Continuously he told them the story of how the URUK-HAI had joined in the battle. The URUK-HAI were monsterous creatures that came from underground.

Soon he got to the end of the story when the elfs had run away leaving the URUK-HAI and the goblins to fight for them.But soon the pair of them were defeated by the fairies and the world that Albert knew turned upside down. The fairies had begun recruiting races that no one had even heard of. First they began recruiting the dead by using unknown ways then
it was like the whole Cosmos was against him.They recruited Skeletons,Giant Eagles,Orcs,Dinosaurs and lots of other races.”But how did
you escape” Alice interrupted “I went down the plumbing system” Albert said “What?” said Alice “I said..” “yes! I know what you said but how did
you do that?” Albert took a deep breath and began to explain.

(D)

Drawing his cloak around him early next morning, he set off. The cold mists breathed across the land, chilling his feet; the sun hadn’t yet risen above the hilltops and the frost hung on his breath. But Albert was set in his purpose. He walked all day, stopping rarely but quickly to drink from the rivers and streams or to nibble on the jam sandwiches that he had packed.  By the end of the day, he’d covered a fair stretch of the grounds and was closing on his destination.

As he entered the land of “bob” all his friends and family, toiling in the fields heard him (actually what they heard were curses coming from Albert as he tripped over a large root, landing in a huge pile of Heffalump dung – something which Albert knew would take many weeks of washing to get out).  With a cheer and a laugh and a “stay away from me – you smell” Albert was welcomed into the village (although he did have to stand outside whilst they washed him down and burnt his clothes).

Albert explained his predicament and that he needed help.  The ompalumpas mused on this for a bit (not singing, that was a vicous rumour after a particularly cheerful family were drafted to make chocolates) and then in unison cried out “The solution! We have the solution! We need to have a party and invite all the tribes, all the elves and the fairies to a masked ball!”  Albert was astounded by the simplicity of the suggestion – and given the time of year ALL of the fairy and elf folk knew that this was the perfect time to set aside any differences.

The plan was set.  The Heffalumps and the Ompalumpas carried the invitations setting the time, date and place – and noted that each guest had to bring a present.  Many preparations were made until finally the time had come.  All the elves and fairies had agreed to a secret Santa gift giving – and each had taken a name from the hat and had prepared a gift.

The date finally arrived – all the guests were there, tentatively at first, but soon the mead and the honey wine, the acorn gin and the mealworm dips were being eaten with relish.  Elves and fairies danced together, the music entranced their souls and all war and hatred had been forgotten (it has to be said that the Trolls and the Goblins weren’t invited, but still managed to sit in the corner and bait each other.. but neither really sure why).

And then the gift giving began.  “A gift for you”, “a gift from her”, “a gift from us” … leaf wrapping paper soon littered the forest until Albert and the Chief Elf stood side by side. The Albert handed the chief elf a present… a Magnifying glass! The chief elf was very impressed and soon peace was agreed by all (except of course by the Trolls and Goblins, who grumbled as they disappeared off under the bridges and into the caves of famous stories).
And all was at peace.  Until one day, a Fairy saw smoke rising from the Elfin kingdom… Fire! the kingdom was on fire!  The alarm was raised and all the communities rushed to help… but it was too late. The Kingdom was ruined.  As the ELves walked through the wreckage one spotted something at the centre of the Great Elf Hall – a Magnifying glass.  The quickly ascertained the king had fallen asleep and had held the glass at just the right angle for the sun to catch it – focus the beam on the curtain…

… Obviously this could never be the Kings fault, it had to be the fault of the gift giver… Albert.  And with a sad and sorry heart, Albert left the Elfin kingdom.

So that’s the story, Said Albert – “obviously some of the Elves still harbour a grudge against me”.

“Well, durr” Said Alice, making a most peculiar face “so what’s your plan now, then?”

“Hmm” said Albert, “I think what I’ll do is….”  and he walked off into his “Thinking Room”….

“Did you mean to kill the Elfin king Albert?” said Alice. Albert hesitated “Well?” Alice started to quiver as Albert turned around. “Yes!” “What?” Alice was startled “I said I did mean to kill him” Alice
was shaking “You? You? You couldn’t have no not you”. “Yes me!” Albert
had blown his cover but at least he felt the feelings that Alice was feeling.
“Yes Alice I did give him the magnifying glass on purpose so that he would burn the Elven kingdom”.

Alice could not take it in but what Albert didn’t expect was for Alice to take a sword out from her sleeve and say “Albert I am an Elven spy! I have been spying on you all this time and you didn’t suspect a thing!” “In fact
Alice I did” Albert was the one with the surprise now. ” Alice I knew you were a spy all along!” “No!” Alice was furious “Yes! And that’s why I have friends!” “What?”Alice was terribly confused now and suddenly goblins and trolls came storming out from the doors behind him. “Alice this is the end for you!” “No it’s not!”.”Oh I think it is!” “Get her!” Albert shouted and the trolls and the goblins charged at Alice. ” For the Elvin King!” Alice shouted as she hopelessly struck blows at them..Then Albert heard Alice scream and
fall to the floor.

“Finally” Albert was pleased with himself “and now on to the Elvin land!” and they charged out of the house leaving Alice’s body motionless on the floor.

(E)

Even through the commotion, Albert’s vision quest was bearing fruit – and Albert couldn’t believe it.  Not that he couldn’t – no, more that he wished himself to not believe it.  When he’d suggested to his friends his clever options, and they had picked up on the party and the presents – allowing Albert a Golden Opportunity to end the Elf Wars (and thus be a hero).  But what had surprised him was the Elf Queen.
When he had arrived in the Elvin Kingdom, she had called him aside.  “Albert, I have seen your future – the Oracle has spoken”.  She had gone on to explain that he was to bring an end to the Elf Wars and to be the Elf King.  She had said that there would be much sorrow across the land, but the future would be his.  The Queen had also been told by the Oracle that she needed to get away from the land – and so had told Albert that she would disappear for some time.
Albert soon arrived at the Elf Kingdom – ready to take his crown.  What surprised him was that where the mighty Elf Kingdom had once stood it was now all water – a few of the crumbling ruins poked above the lapping waves.  The water was crystal clear – and Albert could clearly make out hundreds of fish swimming around in and out of the burnt ruins.

“Bother” said Albert.  The Aquarians had always threatened the lowlands of the Elf Kingdom – and as Albert had burnt the village the Aquarians just diverted the glacial stream and the surrounding hills had completed the work.  No-one had died – the Aquarians had swum in and with their magic breath had stopped the few Elves from drowning, giving them the ability to breath (and live) underwater.

Albert stopped and turned to the many hundreds of Elves, Trolls, Goblins and Faeries that had followed him to the water’s edge.  “I’m guessing that you want me to jump in there” he said, pointing at the water.  Cruel smiles curled across the lips of all his followers and they stepped forward. Albert stepped back, feeling the cold water seep into his boots.  “Now hang on chaps” he said calmly – but then he felt a tentacle slowly, carefully, deliberately wrap round his feet.  Then – SNAP – it tightened and Albert suddenly fell forwards into the sand, before whatever it was dragged him underwater…..

Every second passed very quickly and suddenly he saw what was dragging
him. There was a giant mammoth with tentacles instead of tusks and flaming red eyes. Albert had seen one of these creatures before it was called a Spartinite one of the oldest races ever. However he had never seen one as big as this before and he had no idea why it was attacking him
because the Spartinites were the ones which gave Albert his sword.

Albert suddenly realised that he could not hold his breath much longer and so he tried to swim back up but the Spartinite’s grip was too strong. Albert
desperately needed to breathe now and so he took out his sword and cut the
Spartinite’s tentacle then he swam back up to the surface and breathed. It was good to be in fresh air again and just as he began to swim to the shore
another one of the Spartinite’s tentacles grabbed his ankle again and he got pulled under water for the second time. Albert was absolutely furious now
.He turned around to cut off the other tentacle when he realised that there
were about twelve Spartinite all different sizes. Why were they attacking him?
Albert did the one thing he could think of he struck blows at all the Spartinite and cut the tentacle that was binding him. Then before he knew
what to do he swam for the surface as quick as he could and threw himself onto the shore. All was calm until he heard a humungous roar.

he looked around in curiousity of this humungous roar. then suddently they all jumped there were more spartinite this time. there were 1..2..3..4…..34..35. 35 SPARTINITE HOW COULD THERE BE SO MANY. just the sight of so many of these hideous beings made him feel dizzy. SMACK! a tentacle whacked him round the face from no where and he was out cold.
” hmm…” he groaned trying to open his eyes.
” welcome, young albert”. this voice seemed familiar to albert.
” who are you?” demanded albert
” dont you recognise me, haha im the elven cheif”
“but…you…the fire…… smoke. your supposed to be dead” albert was confused.
” yes but i had escaped before i was in real danger. i did it all so you would be hated once more by all the elven kingdom. and it has worked.”
“but why….what had i ever done”
“oh nothing much just being the son of your parents thats all. your father was my worst enemy, and yes i killed both your parents just after your death” albert had never known abotu his parents. he was an orphan since his first breath.
“you killed my parents, you will not live”
and with that he plunged at the cheif but the spartinites had whipped him back.
” you fool you wont go anywhere you cant touch me, CHUCK HIM INTO THE DUNGEONS.
“NOOOOO” he struggled but the spartinites dragged him back and threw him into the dungeon.
From this day on albert had vowed to get out of this place and kill the elven cheif for his dead parents!